Dear Keenan McMacIrishName from our recent episode on Rotten Romance:
I am writing today in regards to the horrible display of behavior I witnessed being displayed by your "Clan". By the way, I can't believe you had the NERVE to use that word in your company's name! What are you, some sort of confederate history buff? How DARE you use a term that has been linked to the oppression of our country's citizens?!?! I don't care if it's set in Ireland, or that they've been using the term "clan" for centuries. It's inappropriate and I demand you adjust your branding immediately. Anyway, I digress. I personally witnessed members of your little 'clan' breaking and entering a lighthouse of all places. I am sure that the lighthouse is a national monument! The sheer disregard for our history is disgraceful! And not only that, then you dragged some girl out of there (that I know had never been there before), threw her in a trunk, and whisked her off to your house to "spank the truth out of her" regarding her spying on your little club.
I know you think you're in charge there, but there must be someone who is actually running the place. I hardly think that someone with your crude interpersonal skills and lack of drive for anything other than a life of crime qualifies you to run a family-oriented crime syndicate! Whoever thought that "first born son" is a good qualifier for "Mob Boss" is ridiculous. Family is not a qualifier for competence or success! For goodness' sake! Your cousin's name is BONER! How is that professional? And spankings to ensure good behavior? What is your company actually running, a daycare? I know your father is still in charge, and I demand that he contact me ASAP to discuss my concerns. I want to make sure that I am trusting my arms smuggling with a company that knows how to provide something that even resembles customer service.
I know your primary revenue paths are guns and shooting people (not to mention your tacky sex club), but this is the outside of enough. If you think I'm going to sit idly by while you break into a lighthouse and abduct some girl who has never been outside before, you have another thing coming. I insist that I speak to your manager regarding this situation. That poor girl, whoever she actually was, should have been comforted for her loss and then prosecuted for trespassing in a lighthouse and possibly illegal immigration. I don't want any of those foreigners here. I don't know how you expect to keep your business running now that I know what you have done to the good name of McMacIrishName! I am going to go to the media with a detailed letter explaining the atrocities you have thrust upon our country and poor little whatever-her-name-was-I-already-forgot-but-I'm-still-righteously-infuriated. You'll be sorry, Mister!
Once the media gets its hands on this story, they will eviscerate you in the public. None of your business contacts will ever want to hire you again for guns OR killing someone they're upset with. I am going to tell everyone how you convinced poor Miss Whatshername to go along with your wicked ways and think that she would actually LIKE it. AND you allowed an illegal immigrant to escape from the authorities. You should be ashamed!
I will expect a complete refund for the free trial I signed up for, as well as a complimentary bazooka in my next purchase or you will be sure you will never have my business again! Sincerely, 500kVajay
aka K.A.R.E.N.