I figured maybe I should actually attempt to write something other than doodling in my "handy-dandy-notebook" (how the hell do I know Blue's Clues' quotes???)
The other day, I was talking to the ladies about romance heroes (go figure?).
"Seriously, I don't know how these women have anything else to talk about? They just. Keep. TALKING!" - Jimmy. Podcast editor and long-suffering SO
Okay, so I was talking to them about romance novels and it made me start thinking. What if these romance novels are actually based on the truth? I have to say, there's a good amount of information in those novels. I am 100% sure that the protocols described within these romance novels are exactly how mob activity is handled in the United States. Obviously, Jane Henry (woohoo for my sexy Bratva series), has insider knowledge on the Bratva. She tries to hide it by keeping the info she provides about the Bratva superficial, but she seems to have some history, some correct (?) names for the "positions" in the Bratva (Russian Mob), and I am delightfully diverted by these stories. I hope they aren't on to her mole, I would miss her books. I was so inspired by the books that I even thought to research a little on the internet to find out more about the Bratva.
"I just wanted to know if any of them were single!" - Phoebe.
There I was, Wikipedia-ing the shit out of some Russian crime syndicates, when it hit me. In all the (obviously factual) novels, the Bratva have like, super-internet-people keeping tabs on all of the craziness on the internet to see if there's anything they want to know (keywords and shit I assume). They have them on all the crime TV shows too! I can hardly keep track of my email and these people are all clacking away at their keyboards like their fingers are running a keyboard marathon and announcing things like, "I found his location, Sir!" If these books are true (which they obviously are), there are Bratva internet people who keep tabs on keywords being listed all over the internet. And, if the novels are true, then Bratva bosses are all like the ones in the romance novels! You know what I'm talking about, 6'5", body like Jason Mamoa, richer than Bill Gates, and likes to shoot people. (I imagine the screening process including a "you must be this tall to organize crime" sign that they start with. I must know!
This may not be a good plan for me and my relationship, but I refuse to stop researching! (In all the books, the mob-bosses ruthlessly get rid of any husbands/lovers/boyfriends of their semi-pretty, extremely funny, quirky, intelligent, headstrong objects of affection immediately. I would be so sad).
"I have no idea why I picked this chick. I'm a goddamned scientist! Now there are fucking mobsters offering me 500k for me to disappear and never talk to her again! Thank god!" - K (Phoebe's long-suffering dude)
In my (obviously) factual romance novels, the mob bosses are found screwing their way through a bunch of floozies while desperately needing to marry someone. Then they find some chick who's pretty, but nothing fancy, and force her to marry them at gunpoint (or under duress of some sort). After that is all taken care of, there's some crazy, sexy-time to be had. Before this podcast, I really had no idea that the Bratva was made up of a ton of men who just visited bespoke sex clubs and gifted butt plugs to their favorite mistresses around all the illegal pursuits they undertake. And, after all of the spankings and punishments, the long issues that could have literally been solved with a 5 minute conversation, and a car chase or two, the Bratva boss turns into a complete teddy bear around his wife and dotes on her endlessly. (While still brutally killing anyone who looks at her).
"Seriously! I couldn't even find a man who wanted me to live with him, and these bitches are just walking down the street, minding their own business, when they look up and start getting pelted with diamonds and sex toys!" - Phoebe
I am probably the only one from the podcast who is willing to admit the deep truth that we've found in my book picks. The other ladies aren't really impressed with the complex intricacies of a Pakhan's love language. I mean, obviously the pain and gas-lighting shows that he just wants the best for us and wants to help us grow!
"I want to stab them all in the eye with a fork," - Somisawhel
"I swear to God, Phoebe, if you do not stop making me read this trash, I am really going to quit!" - Nikki
"Guys, I just wanted to point out that he should have been out of bullets. That clip only had 10 rounds, plus one in the chamber. How the fuck did he just shoot 34 armed men without reloading?" - Celina
If my hunch is correct, I feel that I will be contacted shortly. I'm pretty sure that I've sprinkled enough Bratva in this post that it will be any day now that a heroic, ex-military, Russian hero will show up any day now. Like a mobster Candyman!
"Bratva! Bratva! Bratva!" - Phoebe
So, to all you mob bosses out there (Bratva or otherwise), hi! Let me know what you think of the podcast! Also, please tell your hackers to give us some feedback on the website so we can increase traffic. *Kisses*